So, I have been married to this wonderful man for 2 years now. I cherish every moment and love him just as much if not more than I did the day I met him. But sometimes marriage sucks. This deployment has been hardly anything but fighting. Over money, over this, over that. First it was I don’t send him enough nudes he doesn’t feel wanted. Then it was you’re spending too much time waiting around for me missing me too much, then countless others that were so insignificant I cant even remember the cause. And another one, today.
Mind you I am still hurt. He told me that the Army was hardening him, making him insensitive. I told him I missed when we used to flirt and compliment each other all the time. He told me that the Army has changed him and now that we spend every day together he’s run out of things to say about me.
I cried. This one stung. I could talk about him for days. Every feature that I loved about him, the way he smiles and laughs and security and electricity I feel with just one touch. And he can’t even think of anything.
Today we argued about the big “wedding” topic. You see I always wanted a large dream wedding ever since I was a girl, but settled for a rain check and a court house wedding because I was so crazy for him I didn’t care how it happened I just wanted to move to be with him. 2 years later promise after promise later he brings up that he wants to try for a baby when he comes home. Shutting down my selfish desire for my dream wedding. Bickering here and there I apologized for being so sassy and difficult and told him I loved him, we could revisit this conversation later. I told him I was going crazy without him. I needed his touch, his laugh, his kiss, his presence. I needed him. I wanted him and since we never get to talk I said that when we do get to talk I want it to be about happy things. We can fight when he comes home. (though we talk things out much better in person which resolves a fight before it begins)
He read them all. And in return said nothing. Not a thing. He knew my heart was yearning for him, to be loved, to be happy, to smile and think of all the incredible ways he makes me feel and in return I got nothing.
It broke me.
It always does. He means so much to me that simply saying nothing at all can get my heart to shatter. He knows I can’t go to sleep angry and we’ve talked many times about how it makes me feel.
We are opposites however. When he is mad he wants space and silence, when I am angry or hurt I want to talk it out and end it by cuddling up in eachothers arms. The time difference and lack of internet and Lord knows what else makes it so easy for him to disconnect after or during a fight.
So here I am an hour later blogging because my heart is sad. Our fights are over meaningless things, deployment causes so much stress on relationships it’s nothing we would ever divorce over. But that doesn’t make a fight with someone you love any less painful. Especially if he cant shoot back a simple “I love you.”.