Another Day

I had a great day today with my bestie and her 2 daughters.

But every day feels like just another day without you. I cant stop thinking about how desperate I am to hear your voice and honestly, I was stupidly jealous hat Kristi got a Facebook video from you when I’m the one dying to hear your voice. I’m exhausted and short on words but I just want to be with my best friend again. Life isn’t easy but without you it’s so much harder. Marriage is honestly so great, I love every second of it even when I don’t and I’m mad and I feel like I could hate you or even when you hurt me. But in the end I love it all the same. I can’t tell you but I’m losing it without you I just want you back home. Distance has never been so hard for us but talking for 10 minutes once every 2 days really isn’t working for me.

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Marriage

So, I have been married to this wonderful man for 2 years now. I cherish every moment and love him just as much if not more than I did the day I met him. But sometimes marriage sucks. This deployment has been hardly anything but fighting. Over money, over this, over that. First it was I don’t send him enough nudes he doesn’t feel wanted. Then it was you’re spending too much time waiting around for me missing me too much, then countless others that were so insignificant I cant even remember the cause. And another one, today.

Mind you I am still hurt. He told me that the Army was hardening him, making him insensitive. I told him I missed when we used to flirt and compliment each other all the time. He told me that the Army has changed him and now that we spend every day together he’s run out of things to say about me.

I cried. This one stung. I could talk about him for days. Every feature that I loved about him, the way he smiles and laughs and security and electricity I feel with just one touch. And he can’t even think of anything.

Today we argued about the big “wedding” topic. You see I always wanted a large dream wedding ever since I was a girl, but settled for a rain check and a court house wedding because I was so crazy for him I didn’t care how it happened I just wanted to move to be with him. 2 years later promise after promise later he brings up that he wants to try for a baby when he comes home. Shutting down my selfish desire for my dream wedding. Bickering here and there I apologized for being so sassy and difficult and told him I loved him, we could revisit this conversation later. I told him I was going crazy without him. I needed his touch, his laugh, his kiss, his presence. I needed him. I wanted him and since we never get to talk I said that when we do get to talk I want it to be about happy things. We can fight when he comes home. (though we talk things out much better in person which resolves a fight before it begins)

He read them all. And in return said nothing. Not a thing. He knew my heart was yearning for him, to be loved, to be happy, to smile and think of all the incredible ways he makes me feel and in return I got nothing.

It broke me.

It always does. He means so much to me that simply saying nothing at all can get my heart to shatter. He knows I can’t go to sleep angry and we’ve talked many times about how it makes me feel.

We are opposites however. When he is mad he wants space and silence, when I am angry or hurt I want to talk it out and end it by cuddling up in eachothers arms. The time difference and lack of internet and Lord knows what else makes it so easy for him to disconnect after or during a fight.

So here I am an hour later blogging because my heart is sad. Our fights are over meaningless things, deployment causes so much stress on relationships it’s nothing we would ever divorce over. But that doesn’t make a fight with someone you love any less painful. Especially if he cant shoot back a simple “I love you.”.

Bared to You

My first blog post is going to be short, it’s all that is on my mind tonight however it is also what encouraged me to start writing a blog. Reading increases my desire to write as it stimulates my brain and encourages me to think about things that I wouldn’t normally think of day to day. That being said:

The first book of a series mailed to me by my charming mother-in-law. Its a little raunchy and sex driven but the craziest part is that the sex scenes don’t make me as horny as the words he says to her. Calling her angel, complimenting her body, ensuring that he could never get enough of her, his appetite could never be appeased. Those words and ideas get my gears going more than anything.

Isn’t that what most of us women want? To be craved, yearned for and needed, not just wanted. Like if they don’t taste us then they might just die, they can’t get through the day without thinking of us in a favorite outfit and go a little crazy.

Sex to me isn’t just taking our clothes off and making out, those words and that attitude and that emotional and physical lust is what makes me horny.

Then we get to the nitty gritty dirty sloppy sex part haha

To be needed, to be wanted, dreamt of, admired, and to feel like I’m the only woman he has ever craved so desperately, like every woman before me is incomparable to the goddess of a woman that I am. These are the things I crave. Maybe its vain, maybe its insecure, maybe is desperate. But to me, it’s definitely sexy.

Intro!

My name is Kala, I am married to a man in the U.S. Army and he is my life. We have two dogs that are my children. I currently work, and attend school. This blog is just to help pass the time for this deployment and help me get things out of my system without stressing my wonderful husband. It is going to be personal so not every post will be tagged, I am very open about my life experiences in hopes that something I have gone through will help someone else! I have had a lot of thoughts on my mind recently and I feel it will be quite therapeutic to have them written down.

I have never used wordpress so I have no idea if I get followers or what but to all those brave enough to read, thanks!